Alternative careers

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. You may have seen me on TV the other night, mopping up on the mound during the eighth inning of yet another ugly Twins’ loss. Yes, I’m nearing my 44th birthday, and the velocity on my fast ball is roughly that of motor vehicles in a school zone, but I’m better than Jim Hoey. Plus, the minimum Major League Baseball salary of $414,500 ain’t too shabby, either.

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. You may have read some of my travel writing in such publications as The New York Times, National Geographic or The New Yorker. My family and I recently returned from a few months of exploring the American southwest — sorry about the winter you all apparently had up here. I’m pleased to report that my wife and I, with our two children, will be re-tracing Jack Kerouac’s footsteps for an “On the Road”-based reality show on the Discovery Channel.

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. You may have seen on the big screen in that funny little romantic comedy co-starring Scarlet Johansson. (Actually, my wife Becca played my love interest, while Scarlett was the temptress who came away empty-handed.) I’ll be switching gears for my next film, an action/buddy flick that features The Rock and I as cops bent on finding justice at any cost. 

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. You may have seen me at The Front Page, my coffee shop/restaurant located in that big city up the road a piece. You know — it’s that place where you can get a major-buzz-inducing cup of joe while reading newspapers from around the world both in print and online. It’s kind of like Starbucks or Caribou meets the Newseum. And if you haven’t been to the big city yet, don’t worry — we’ll soon be opening a location near you.

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. Perhaps you’ve seen my collection of classic cars and car-related memorabilia. Channeling Worthington’s Marv Spomer as an inspiration, I’ve now got far more antique auto items than I know what to do with. (Plus, since I can’t even fix my own lawnmower, much less a car, I’m looking to clear a little inventory.) 

* Hi, my name is Ryan McGaughey. You may have seen my name in a daily newspaper in Worthington, Minn. I’ve been the managing editor there for going on six years now, and it continues to be a pretty good gig. There’s a reason why I chose this career — to ultimately help play an important role in a community and region — and that’s why I plan on hanging around for a while.

Sorry, Ron Gardenhire. Sorry, Scarlett.